Tag

writing

Blogging help

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Calling all well-established bloggers (or, any blogger at all). I need help. I so  badly want this blog to keep going, to become SOMETHING, to (maybe) one day go public with it and tell the world who I am, and share it with colleagues and loved ones. But in order to do that, I want to establish it more. I want it to be something believe in, something people feel is worth checking, not something where there is a post every month when I get brave enough.

I know I can’t write every day, and I probably can’t commit to every other day. But I do know I could aim for at least twice a week. Is that good enough, or not? Will people read it?

And how do I decide what’s worth writing and what’s not? Should I focus on one theme? Keep this mismash that I have going on? Should I turn it more professional, keep it more personal, or both?

Do I make a schedule for myself about what to write when, or just let it happen?

Please, please, please, any thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated!

Secret Blog

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It’s very strange to me that I have this blog and nobody knows about it. I have never, EVER done that. If I’m being honest with myself, I will say that in the past, especially in high school and college, I wrote specifically knowing people would read it. I said what I needed to say, but also said so in a way that guaranteed me what I needed: help, support, attention, etc.

This blog is a test. I didn’t go public with it for two main reasons:

  1. I didn’t trust that I would be able to keep up with posting regularly, and I know that people tend to only read regular blogs. (And, as it stands, I was correct. Although, not having time-pressure on me to post regularly makes it more fun than a chore)

  2. I wanted to be my true self. And that means not hiding any parts of my personality. And I was scared to do that with everyone knowing it was me, with everyone finding out who the “real me” was all at once. So I decided I needed some practice time.

What I have discovered is that I’m much more ME when I’m writing for me. Nobody reads this blog — my stats generally indicate that — and while part of me wishes that people read it and discovered how brilliant and wise I am (a fantasy, clearly), part of me likes that I don’t have to worry about being judged, ridiculed, talked about, etc. I can say exactly what’s on my mind, exactly how I am feeling, and there’s no shame in it. I don’t have to hide any part of me.

Dread

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I felt that sense of dread come over me tonight and didn’t know what to do about it. And a little voice in the back of my head whispered, You need to write. Why is it that I push writing away, pretend it doesn’t exist, pretend it doesn’t help, pretend it doesn’t release that feeling? Is it for the same reason that I often dreaded my weekly therapy appointments in college, not because I didn’t love my therapist, not because they didn’t help, not because I didn’t feel better after, but because the process of talking, of processing, of releasing, was emotional and draining? Is it for the same reason that during those same hard periods I avoided everything possible — my emotions, feelings, thoughts, instead of facing them?

It’s hard to be real with myself sometimes. No, not always. Actually, I’m more real with myself now than I’ve ever been. There are no huge issues that I ignore, no behaviors I try to hide, that’s not the 24-year-0ld me. That me was a hurting teenage girl and she has moved way past that. No, I’m talking just about emotions. A bad day, a bad mood, the feeling of dread I so often get, for no reason other than I’m a sensitive being and little feelings that others would feel, notice, and walk past, become crashing waves for me. And I know this about myself. It’s who I am, there aren’t many like me, and I know that and it’s okay.

Sometimes when the dread, or the gloom (of what, I will never know) comes over me, I want to ignore it. Watch tv, read, stuff it away somehow until it leaves. And sometimes that works. But other times I need to write. And I don’t want to. Because, what do I say? There’s no problem. There’s no issue. Nothing is wrong. So why should I write? What should I say? Why would anyone care or be interested?