Tag

writing

I can’t write

I have sat down and tried to write a blog post countless times in the last two weeks.

I get bits and pieces down and then I get stuck. I can’t get more out. And then I get frustrated and put more pressure on myself which makes me more stuck and it’s a cycle (although isn’t everything?).

But I want to write, desperately. So I thought maybe I’d just say those bits and pieces and allow myself to leave it at that. Because it doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to make sense. I don’t have to be perfect. don’t have to make sense. Maybe there’s something empowering, powerful, about just being, in my rawest, truest, form. Maybe I will write and maybe it’ll be another two weeks before I can. Maybe it’ll make sense and maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll lose readers. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe the only thing that matters is that I write when I want to. Even if it’s to say….well, nothing, really. So I’ll keep trying. When I can, and when I want to. And it will….well, it will just be. Whatever it is.

I am not a poet.

But, the other night, these words tumbled out of my brain down into my hands, and out my fingers into a word document. And right now in a moment of feeling brave, I’m sharing, before I can talk myself out of it.


Shame and Compassion

Shame and Compassion.
Dark and Light.
Black and White.
Night and Day.

Shame is twisted, sneaky, sly.
Smoky, conniving, hurtful
Wrapping itself around you
In chains
Squeezing the breath out of you
Tainting each one of your cells

Compassion is a white cloud
Wrapping itself around you
Fresh air
Breath
Oxygen
A blanket of love

Shame whispers,
You deserve this
You have brought me upon you
You deserve darkness and misery
You deserve that black feeling within

Compassion counters,
Let me fill you with light
Love
You are okay
You are a child

Shame often wins
Zapping energy
Leaving cold
Numb
Despair

But Compassion gathers strength
And eventually dispels Shame
Using powers
Of Love
Not weapons
Not Pain

And you thaw
And you fill with light
And you try to hold onto that feeling
For next time Shame tries to get at your soul

Writing a paragraph

Each year I think of more and more things I want to help my students with. Each year I feel like I have less and less time, and that there’s more and more they need. One skill that is constantly requested by teachers, parents, and districts, is writing a paragraph. Despite that fact that our kids have language and learning disabilities and often do not have the fundamental language skills to write a well-constructed sentence, let alone a paragraph, writing is how progress is measured these days. MCAS, PARCC, formalized testing….so much of how it measures “success” is being able to write a well-constructed 5-paragraph essay. You already know my feeling about standardized testing, so we’ll let that one go for now.

So, okay. This year we will work extra-hard on written language when my kids come for speech/language 3 times a week. Despite the fact that there are a zillion other benchmarks to be targeted, vocabulary to be learned, auditory processing deficits, need to learn language comprehension skills and strategies, reading anywhere from 2-6 grades below their current grade level, lack of inferential knowledge, inability to summarize or extract the main idea…..yes. We will squeeze in written language.

But I was thinking hard the past few weeks as we get into a groove at school. We have to start at a basic level for our kids. And then an even more basic level than we had thought. There are so many holes, things that must be explicitly taught, things that our language/learning disordered kids don’t naturally pick up on. So, I did some reading on Bloom’s Taxonomy (Revised) and decided to use that as my framework for writing benchmarks and targeting skills this year. Because really, if our kids haven’t mastered the first tier, “Remembering” (e.g., remember what a paragraph is, what it contains), or “Understanding,” the second tier, we can’t expect that they will be able to jump right into “Apply” and “Analyze”, let alone “Evaluate” and “Create.”

I tried something out. I see kids elementary through high school, so I posed the following question to an 8th grade group and a 9th grade group: “What is a paragraph?” Some of the answers I got?
-(Silence)
-“I don’t know”
-“A  bunch of words”
-“A rectangle shape of writing on paper”
-“Sentences that talk about something”

And right away, that reinforced my gut feeling that we have to start at the basic level. Remembering. So, we talked about four vocab words. Paragraph; Topic Sentence; Details; Clincher. We talked about what each of them meant and why we needed them in a paragraph. We didn’t do any writing. Just Remembering. We used a color-coding system. Topic Sentence is green, Details are yellow, and Clincher is red. We wrote the terms and their definitions in colors. The next day, we read several short paragraphs (short and simple – probably around a 2nd grade reading level) and practiced finding the topic sentence, details, and clincher. We underlined each in their respective colors. We reviewed the terms and the colors. It was hard for them. We talked about it. We took it sentence by sentence.

This is where we’re at. But. We have to build a foundation first. I really truly believe that. And eventually, we’ll be writing a paragraph.

What I’m Reading

I don’t usually never write blog posts that are links to other blog posts. Mostly because when I read those types of posts, I usually get overwhelmed at learning about all of these other corners of the internet that I didn’t know existed, and worrying if I’ll have time to read all of the links and the posts, and follow all of those authors, etc. But that’s just me and how I roll.

But I’ve been struggling this week to write, and what I have been doing is a lot of reading other things. So, I’m going to link to some of them. Maybe you want to read them, maybe you don’t, maybe you love this type of post, maybe you’ll skip right over it. It’s all good.

Things I’m reading (and re-reading) this week:

–> This post, “Parenting to the Lowest Common Denominator”, by Jamie Krug. I found Jamie recently through the blogosphere, I think through Lindsey, and am quickly going back through all of her old blog posts, loving everything she writes. This particular post, I have read and re-read at least five times in the past few days. It is so heartfelt and raw and honest and after posting it on Facebook, it’s clear that it resonates with others, too. The way Jamie acknowledges her daughter’s sensitivity and introversion is heartwarming.

–> A wonderfully real and inspirational article, called “29 Signs You’re Doing Just Fine (Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It). My wonderful friend sent me this article Friday morning, knowing, as she often does, exactly what I needed at that moment. I’ve re-read this so many times. I want to print it out and keep it with me, always.

–> This flowchart entitled, “Should You Catcall Her?”, which was actually created by Playboy. Which makes me like it even more, because it uses language that might resonate with its demographic, meaning it might be effective. And it sure gets its point across.

–> “A letter from your introverted friend”, in which Becky eloquently conveys that which many of us feel from time to time but don’t necessarily have the words to express.

–> Not online, but I re-read The Secret Life of Bees for at least the 15th time this past week. It fills up my soul. I just love that book.

What have you read this week?

 

Friday Stream of Consciousness

You asked for it – a peek into the thoughts in my brain. So, as of 6:25 this morning:

-How is it already August? How how how is this possible? Time is flying. Summer is almost over. I’ll have to switch from camp to school mode, from t-shirts and gym shorts to semi-presentable work attire. Oh yes, we love transitions.

-I am so excited to spend the weekend with my friend’s three kids, while she and her husband are away. 

-I just bought a new coloring book of Mandalas and am geeking out about it

-My brother is home from Israel and I couldn’t be more relieved or thrilled to have seen and hugged him

-I’m trying to collect my thoughts for a post about autism and autism causes/factors/diagnoses. Part of me wants it to be super coherent before I try to write it, since it’s such a heated topic. Other parts of me know that super coherent isn’t how I roll and that’s okay.

-I don’t know that there’s a better feeling than having a friend with whom you can be totally real with

-I’m doing another lesson about humor and jokes today and interested to see how it goes with a very different group and dynamic

 

That’s all I’ve got. So, on that note….what are the random thoughts on YOUR mind at 6:30 this morning?

Your turn.

This is my first poll and I’m nerdily excited about it. So many people have shared thoughts about my blog and my posts. Different people seem to love hearing about different things, so it got my thinking that maybe there are certain topics people want to read more about, or less about, and maybe a poll is a good way to find out.

If I’ve done this correctly, you will be able to select as many or as few topics that you’re interested in hearing more about, as well as add whatever else you can think of. It’s 100% anonymous so even if you’re a lurker or I don’t know you in person or you don’t want me to know that you’re voting, no worries – because I can’t know who contributed.

Here you go, hope it works!

[polldaddy poll=8210441]

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained”

That is the quote that I have heard umpteen times from my mom. My brother and I used to joke about it, because Mom said it so often. Of course, unsurprisingly, she was always right. We’d hear that when we were worried to ask a teacher for an extension on an assignment, when we were anxious about roommate troubles, when we wanted to negotiate jobs and salaries. A million times I’ve heard it. And it’s always been true. 

Mom would always remind us that the worst thing that could happen is someone would say “no”. No, I can’t give you that extension on your paper; no, I won’t wash my dishes; no, your job start date isn’t flexible. The worst that would happen is hearing that “no,” and yet, hearing that “no” wasn’t so bad at all. It was always worth it to know, rather than wonder, What would’ve happened if I had asked/spoken up? Plus – we could spend our whole lives thinking about doing things, wishing we were, or we could just DO them and see what happened, because chances were that what would happen would be a good thing.

And that’s how I feel about blogging. Yet another perfect example. I was scared to blog, then I was scared to tell my close friends and family, then I was scared to share it on Twitter and Facebook. And, for what? I spent so much time thinking about what would happen if people read it, wondering what their reactions would be, but once I actually did it, I felt great. I heard Mom’s voice in my head, advising me, “The worst thing that could happen is that people don’t read it, or they don’t like it.” And you know what? That’s not actually so bad. Because ultimately, this blog is for ME. And I’ve always maintained that if even one person gained something from even one of my posts, it was successful.

Plus – there would never be a “perfect time” to do it. I started to realize that I would never wake up one day and be 100% certain that I wanted to share my inner thoughts with the world. But if that perfect time was never happening….I might as well just go for it. And maybe someone will read it and be glad I wrote. Or maybe not. It doesn’t matter.

So I’ve already gained something from it. And I’m glad I ventured out.

Thanks, Mom! <3