Tag

staying present

Without judgment

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Today was a gloomy, rainy, gray day. I hate feeling cold – internally, down-to-my-soul cold, and at times I did. I hate when my feet are wet in my flats, and they were. And I felt a few rushes of sadness come over me, as I often do on gray and gloomy days. And at first my brain automatically responded, with “Stop, don’t be sad” and “Try to be happy” and “Why are you sad, there’s no reason to be sad” but in the spirit of noticing and observing without judging, I gently reminded my brain, “I can feel sad. I have a wave of sadness right now and that’s actually okay. And embracing the wave makes it less scary and less intense. It’s when I judge and criticize it that it gains power.” And it worked, and I felt a wave of sadness but it wasn’t all-consuming by any means. And I had a meeting for work this afternoon, so I went, and I left driving in the rain, and I went to the gym because today, in that moment, the gym felt like self-care, and right now, in this moment, I feel good. And whatever the next moment brings, it’s okay. Because I’ll be there, too. Embracing it, whatever it is.

There’s something to be said for staying present, staying mindful. Noticing. Observing. Without judgment.

Tainted

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It is so hard for me, lately, to feel positive about one thing in isolation, without it being tainted by (my own doing?) negative feelings about something else.

That was not coherent.
(This – another level of understanding of my 5th grade student who, told me, “I know it in my brain but I can’t explain it.”)

Anyway. I feel good about having cleaned the kitchen, but then discouraged that I didn’t clean anywhere else. Good that I caught up with a friend, bad that there are 3 other people I need to call. Proud that I wrote a blog post, defeated that I didn’t respond to my emails. Accomplished and strong for going to the gym, discouraged that I didn’t do more there. It’s so easy to fall into that perfectionistic way of being. It’s so easy to let successes be tainted. Well – am I letting it, or is it just happening? Am I doing it to myself (blame?) or is it just occurring (cop-out?)? Does it matter?

For the record – staying present, in the moment, is not always as easy as we make it out to be.