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mindfulness

What I want to tell you

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Here is what I want to tell you.

That you don’t ever have to give me a reason for your struggles. There isn’t always one. If there is, you can tell me why. And if there isn’t, it doesn’t matter. It makes you no less deserving of a hug, of a listening ear, of a compassionate smile.

That you can say to me, “I’m so anxious,” or “I’m super down today” or “I’m miserable” and I won’t expect you to know why.

That in sharing where you’re at – to me, to someone else – you are engaging in self-care. Reaching out and allowing others to have compassion for you is self-care. It will in turn allow you to have compassion for yourself.

That you deserve to accept that compassion. That there is nothing so flawed about you that makes you unlovable. That we are all a perfect mess. That however much the fear in your brain tries to spin it, to convince you that you are not deserving of love, of compassion, of self-care, it’s wrong. And if you don’t believe that the voice is wrong, let me remind you it is.

That you will believe it some day. I promise you that.

That I, and many of us in your life, have walked this same path. And we’re still walking it. And we get it. And you are not alone, contrary to that voice in your brain that tells you otherwise. I know that voice. It’s wrong.

That there are no bad feelings. Hard ones, sure. Uncomfortable and painful and sometimes debilitating ones. But they’re not bad. And you’re not bad.

That you can feel what you feel, and walk through the path that you’re going through without judging yourself for it. That you get to  accept it and experience it mindfully.

That the goal of getting through a hard time isn’t to push away the hard feelings, thoughts, or memories. It’s to mindfully experience them. I know that seems counter-intuitive. But if we only embraced, enjoyed, and accepted happiness, joy, and content, we’d only be present for about half our lives.

So: Stay present. Through the pain, tears, memories, heartache, grief. Feel it all. It feels like it will rip you in two. I know. It won’t. I promise. You’re resilient and this will not break you.

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Mindfully being.

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It’s no secret that I am an incredibly sensitive, empathetic person. Which, as we know, can be both a blessing and a curse. The news lately has been heavily weighing on me. Certain news stories are triggering hard emotions – but I can’t stop reading. Social media can do similar things. I adore social media and have found it priceless in my ability to connect with others – but reading about others’ experiences, often negative ones, as people tend to post on social media, has felt taxing. The other night, someone said to me, “Be careful what you let into your space,” following my explanation that the news is breaking my heart lately. She went on to say, “It’s okay to care about the world, and we all have stories that stick with us and we want to follow. But it can sometimes become hard to separate what’s happening with someone else from what’s happening with you. And it can turn into a little bit of an obsession. And it can take away from your own experiences and what you’re dealing with on a day-to-day basis.” Hmmm. I thought about why it is that I felt terrified about not being connected to the news or social media. Because I want to care, I lectured myself. Because people always talk about needing to know what’s going on in the world. Because I want to be educated and aware and able to hold a conversation. Because I want to know what’s happening with my friends. Because I want to be a part of people’s lives. Because I don’t want to only focus on myself, I want to be empathetic and care about everyone else.

Oh dear. A giant reframe was necessary, here. Stepping away from the internet and the t.v. doesn’t mean I don’t care. That’s a huge leap that my brain made, and one I can gently dispute. I care. I care so much. I care too much, sometimes. But I have to come first. My thoughts, my feelings, my memories, my emotions, my day-to-day life. Before I can take on the problems of the world, I need to be with me, first.

So then somehow, we were on the subject of multitasking, and keeping busy. I love multitasking. Often times, multitasking feels calmer to me than only doing one thing at a time. And some of that, I know, is just me and my personality. But I am wondering lately if part of that is a subconscious way for me to not have to fully be present in one experience or the other. Mindfulness is HARD. Because it means slowing down and being present and experiencing all of it – whatever it is. “It’s great that you love your jobs and you love to keep busy,” she said. “But maybe you need some time to just be. And experience whatever it is you’re experiencing internally.”

This connected right back to social media and the news for me. Because my downtime often takes the form of relaxing on the couch, checking the news sites, checking Facebook, replying to blog comments, posting new pictures on Instagram. And in a lot of ways, I love that. It’s comforting and calming and helps me feel connected. AND, I think we all have times where it’s actually more beneficial to not focus on what’s going on in our lives. We all need distractions sometimes, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But sometimes a healthy distraction becomes an avoidance technique.

So on Monday evening, I turned off all of the “breaking news alerts” on my phone. I decided that I wouldn’t watch the news at the gym. I wouldn’t check the news sites. If something drastic happened that I needed to know about, someone would find out and someone would tell me. And if something happened in a loved one’s life, they would either tell me themselves, or I would find out when I found out. It doesn’t make me a bad friend or bad person for not stalking Facebook out of fear that I’d miss something important. I decided that I was going to separate my “down time” from my “social media” time. I decided to be mindful during my down time. I decided to use yesterday and today’s afternoons and evenings as a way to practice. So yesterday I left work, ran a few errands I needed to run, and went to the gym. But while I was running errands I didn’t check social media sites while waiting for the cashier. And at the gym I listened to music and didn’t watch the news. And in the car I didn’t listen to the radio, I listened to the sounds on the road. Then I went home, and it was only 5:00. I sat on the couch and didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to watch t.v. while I fooled around online while I snacked while I thought about the thank-you-notes I had to write. But I gently encouraged myself to do one or the other.

I lit a candle. I read. I opened the window. I cleaned. I didn’t have music on. I listened to the silence. I wrote thank-you-notes in silence. I walked to the mailbox to mail them. I cooked dinner. I splatter-painted. I noticed my breath.

And sure, at one point, I took ten minutes and looked on Facebook. But I did it mindfully.  And I could sense that difference.

A similar experience this afternoon. Initial thoughts of, I’m supposed to just BE? To think and feel and exist with myself? Um. No thanks. So not appealing. But I did it. And at one point I checked out a particular news story I’ve been following. And as I did, I scanned my body, and felt my stomach slightly constrict, my chest get slightly tighter. My body was telling me something. So I put the news away. And I cooked dinner. And I went for a walk, with my earbuds in but no music playing. Listening to the world. Being.

The point isn’t to never multitask, to never check the headlines, to abandon social media. I love all 3 of those things, and that’s okay. The point is to find the balance between good distraction and avoidance. Between stress and mindfulness. Between focusing on others and focusing on myself.

And really, I just need to BE. Whatever is working, whatever isn’t working, whatever I need, whatever I don’t – to embrace it and live it. Colors haven’t been working for me lately – so rather than fighting it, I’m wearing a lot of neutrals. And who cares, because neutrals are colors, too. Today I wore all black, and sparkly gold shoes and earrings, and felt (among other reasons) calm and comfortable. So it works. Whatever it is.

Does this resonate with you at all? What are your thoughts on multitasking? Do you ever find it hard to just BE?

Without judgment

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Today was a gloomy, rainy, gray day. I hate feeling cold – internally, down-to-my-soul cold, and at times I did. I hate when my feet are wet in my flats, and they were. And I felt a few rushes of sadness come over me, as I often do on gray and gloomy days. And at first my brain automatically responded, with “Stop, don’t be sad” and “Try to be happy” and “Why are you sad, there’s no reason to be sad” but in the spirit of noticing and observing without judging, I gently reminded my brain, “I can feel sad. I have a wave of sadness right now and that’s actually okay. And embracing the wave makes it less scary and less intense. It’s when I judge and criticize it that it gains power.” And it worked, and I felt a wave of sadness but it wasn’t all-consuming by any means. And I had a meeting for work this afternoon, so I went, and I left driving in the rain, and I went to the gym because today, in that moment, the gym felt like self-care, and right now, in this moment, I feel good. And whatever the next moment brings, it’s okay. Because I’ll be there, too. Embracing it, whatever it is.

There’s something to be said for staying present, staying mindful. Noticing. Observing. Without judgment.

Moving in sync

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“Yoga becomes a dance, a fluid movement through the ups & down of our life, a way to approach our life with creativity, a way of healing & health & a way to make space & nourish the Light within.” (Swami Radhananda)

I am going to attempt to put into words something that I feel, and therefore something that has no words. Which means this is likely going to make no sense. We’ll see.

Do you ever feel like your system, your unit of a body and mind, your person, is out of whack? That things aren’t in sync, things aren’t moving together? That’s something that I feel sometimes, but to describe it…well, I’m not sure. Imagine a time when you were stressed, or sick, or anxious, or sleepy, or just “off”. Can you imagine your heart beating at one beat but your thoughts spinning to another beat and you just don’t feel like you’re one? Like you’re a bunch of different parts inhabiting the same space but not flowing together? (Does that make any sense? And if someone can explain it better….comment away!)

So that happens to me sometimes. And sometimes it’s because I’m anxious or upset or stressed but also sometimes I think it just happens. Not because anything is “off” or “wrong” but because sometimes things just don’t flow together. Like if you and a bunch of people are trying to bounce basketballs at the same time. You might start off together but ultimately you’ll be bouncing at different speeds after a while. Just because things move out of sync. Or an orchestra playing while someone sings and sometimes the singer isn’t exactly on beat with the music.

When that happens, I feel disjointed. I feel my heart beating at one pace, my thoughts flowing at another rate, my blood pumping at a third rate, and it’s near impossible to focus on one, to know which to listen to. (As a side note, I think this is one of the [many] reasons I bounce my leg up and down. Sometimes I bounce it when I’m stressed or anxious but sometimes it just feels good. And it’s almost like if I focus on the vibrations of my leg jiggling, it helps the rest of my body get in sync and vibrate/move at the same beat. And that makes me think about stimming and of course our kids stim, because not only is it organizing and calming but it just feels good and it helps everything become one whole instead of a zillion different parts).

And yoga helps. I love yoga for 98123987 different reasons but one of my most favorites is at the very end, during savasana when I close my eyes on my mat and just feel ONE beat. One flow. One rate. One pace. My muscles, my breath, my thoughts, my blood, they are all moving in sync. It’s one of the most calming and grounding feelings there is.

And that’s what I wanted to try to say.

Random musings

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So, here we go, time for a test.

I have a zillion thoughts in my brain, of course, but nothing succinct or brilliant enough to write. So, of course, I’ve been avoiding blogging for a few days. Because, if I don’t blog perfectly, I shouldn’t do it all, right?

Oy. Gotta get away from that. So, let’s try. Just writing. Stream of  consciousness…whatever it may be.

Okay. On my mind right now:

How damn good I felt after yoga tonight — I love this class on Tuesday afternoons, I love the teacher, I love how she gets me completely, 100% In The Zone. I love how the music mixes with my breathing and my movements and I am just filled with that amazing intensity feeling. And, I love how strong I’m becoming. Not in an obsessive way, but in a factual, I’m becoming strong and flexible way. Not only am I doing poses that I could never do before, but I have almost erased the thought that, “I can’t do that pose.” It’s hard to explain, but I just feel like my body is amazing when I’m in this  class. And I don’t ever have a moment of doubt. Sure, I don’t always do everything perfectly, and I fall and grunt and shake during inversions and balances, but I never don’t try. And I rarely don’t get the pose. It’s almost like, once I stopped remotely entertaining the thought that I couldn’t do it, I could do it. Does that make sense? I just have that full belief in my body and my strength, that I can balance on one arm or one leg or crisscross things or move through flows until I’m dripping sweat, and of course I can do it all. My body is the shit and I can do it. And on that note, that’s why I learned a new headstand tonight, and I simply watched Katie show us how to do it, asked her to watch and help me, and then….I did it. Because I believed. Anyway. It’s awesome.

Hmmm. Maybe I could write, after all. It’s disjointed, and maybe not that important, but…it’s my blog. So I can do whatever I want with it, right? And you can choose to read it, or not read it, or like it, or hate it, and it doesn’t matter. Right?