I saw this on elephant journal’s Facebook today, and shared it. And then the words came, from my heart and my head and my core and they tumbled out and here they are:

Yet one more effed-up societal belief that has been instilled in our culture is that the busier you are, the more admirable it is. Think about it. You admire your coworker who works a full day, and got up at 4:30am to go to the gym, and picks up her kids after work and brings them to their after-school activities, and still cooks a family dinner, and cleans the house, and spends time with her husband. Wow, you think. I don’t know how she does it all! And you tell her that. And you realize, or maybe you don’t, that it’s making you feel worse and worse. Because, you slept until 5:45. You went to work, and had a busy day, the kind with about 10 free minutes to gobble down your lunch. And then you were spent. You went home, deciding to ditch the gym that afternoon because you needed some down time. You sit on the couch with a book and end up napping for half an hour. You wake up and manage to get dinner together for you and your fiance. The two of you eat dinner, you do the dishes, make your lunch, preset the coffee pot for the next morning, straighten up the living room, and then when it’s 8:30pm and he asks, “Do you want to get in bed and read?” you happily say yes, and you two happily read in bed together for an hour and then at 9:30 he turns the light off, curls his body around you, and you both fall asleep.

And you judge yourself for it. You think, That’s ALL I could do today? I barely did anything. My friend/coworker/neighbor/sister did so much more than I did. She’s better than I am. I’m unproductive, I didn’t accomplish anything. And then you feel worse and worse about yourself. Because we know, or we think we know, that busier = better.

But if I reframe this, if I take a step back from it and look at it with fresh eyes? There’s nothing unproductive about my day. I worked hard at work. I put my all into all of my therapy sessions with my kids. I listened to my body and didn’t push it. I let myself relax, renew, restore. I fed and nourished myself. I spent time with my love. Yes, I could’ve gone to the gym. I could’ve cooked something more elaborate. I could’ve vacuumed or cleaned the bathroom. I could’ve sent a few emails to friends. But I didn’t, and that’s actually okay. That doesn’t make me lazier or less worthy than others, though that may be the whisper into my mind.

Some people thrive on being busy. Some don’t. Some people need structure and some don’t. For me currently, I am operating best with a balance of structure and unstructure. I need a good amount of down time to sit, to read, to have quiet, to write, to nap, to recharge. And I get to not feel guilty for that. There were times in my life, mostly in college, where I wanted and needed to be busy. I needed to be doing something (usually studying or working) most moments of the day because being busy kept my brain from thinking about things I didn’t want it to, kept it from ruminating on topics that were detrimental to my health and well-being. During college, being very busy was something I needed. Now? Not as much.

We worry we are perceived as something other than outstanding and admirable and perfect. We worry we aren’t worthy of rest, of complaint, of frustration. I bet at least one of you reading this has thought, How can I complain about being exhausted when my coworker was up all night with her 3 year old and my friend is going to her second job at 4pm and I slept through the night and can go home after work? But therein lies the problem. It’s not a contest. It’s not a hierarchy. We get to feel however we feel independent of others. So if you’re tired, you’re tired. If you’re frustrated, you’re frustrated. Nobody has to give you permission to feel how you feel.

And as for what’s admirable? I think deep down, in my core, where all of my truths are, I believe that what’s admirable is not being busy. And it’s not doing nothing. It’s listening to yourself. It’s giving yourself what you need – whatever that may be.