There are a lot of things about parenting that I don’t know and make up on a daily basis. But there are also a few things that I know with absolute certainty are ways in which I want to parent.
One is to do everything I can to ensure that my kids don’t grow up being afraid of their own difficult feelings, but even more so, not afraid when others have difficult feelings.
When I was in college, I spent time with a friend and her two kids, the older of whom was 3 at the time. My friend’s friend was dying and it had been an incredibly emotional time. I was over their house when they got the news, and my friend cried and cried. The 3 year old said, “What’s wrong, Mama?” Her father, my friend’s husband, in a very well-meaning way, said, “Nothing, honey. Mommy’s fine.” And my friend told him, “No.” Through her tears she explained to her daughter that she was sad because her friend had died and when people die it makes us sad. Her daughter thought about it, and they hugged and chatted some more, and it was all okay.
That memory is etched into my brain. I decided right then and there, that was how I wanted to parent, too.
I don’t want my girls growing up afraid of their parents being upset. And the only way to work on that is to not make us being upset a big, bad, scary, hidden thing. And one way to do that is to not hide it. Because I know someone is wondering, no, I don’t explain to my 2.5 year old everything going on in my life and show her the depths of my anxiety at times or explain to her the ins and outs of medical issues or work problems. But when it’s obvious that I’m upset, or tired, or frustrated, I let her see it, and I talk about it in simple terms, and consequently? She already isn’t afraid. For example:
“You crying, Mama?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Why?”
“I’m so tired. You know how sometimes when you’re tired you get grumpy or cry?”
“Yeah. Let’s go play.”
You see? Super easy. We label our feelings for her. She is used to hearing Mama and Daddy explain that they’re frustrated or tired or having a hard time. She’s seen us cry and watches with curiosity but not fear. She asks questions and we answer. And she says similar things, too, now.
I’m sad. I’m having a hard time. I’m grumpy. I’m fussy. I need space. I need to snuggle. I need Mama. I want Dada.
I don’t know much about parenting – but this I know in my core we are doing right.
