I live in this world where I blame myself for everything. My happiness is dependent on the happiness of others. I cause others’ misery. If they are unhappy or upset, it is my own doing. It’s a control thing, I know. If I am responsible for the world, then I can control whether or not everything is okay. If I’m not responsible for the world, I have to just sit back and let things happen. Let others be upset, let people suffer, without being able to fix it. If I’m responsible for everyone’s well-being, then I don’t have to accept that life can just happen and people can suffer or be upset or have bad things happen to them. If I’m responsible for everyone, then although it all gets put on me, and it all becomes my fault for not being perfect, or a good enough ______ (daughter, girlfriend, friend, sister, fill in the blank), at least then I can pretend that there is a rhyme and reason to things, that if I make myself perfect than everything will be okay, that if I do everything right, I don’t have to sit with the pain of others and feel helpless.
I don’t know how to explain this.
