May 2019

If you’ve interacted with me at all in the past year or two, you know that I don’t have a lot of hope for our world. Well, mostly for our country. That’s a whole post in and of itself (that I actually wrote months ago but haven’t posted yet).

There’s just so much bad, so much danger, so much hatred, and while I’m aware there are amazing, miraculous, love-filled things happening each day, it doesn’t seem to be enough.

But sometimes it’s just one little thing that can give you a boost of hope.

Today I was in Target with my daughter and while we were browsing in the toddler clothing section we saw (well, heard, really) a family of 6 in the same section. They had 4 kids under the age of 10 or so, and they were loud and crazy. The parents were snapping and squabbling at each other and their kids (“I cannot watch them all on my own!” “What the heck is going on?!” “Can’t you help out for once?!” “Guys! Come on, what are you DOING?!”) while the kids ran around crazily. At one point, their youngest, probably around 2 years old, ran over to where we were standing and grabbed a bright pink, orange, and yellow dress with a giant tutu, and brought it back to his family.

“Ugh,” the oldest rolled his eyes. “Why does he always wear girl clothes?”

“Because he likes girl clothes,” the dad answered, “and that’s fine with us.”

“It’s just weird,” the oldest said.

“It makes him happy,” said the mom, “so we don’t care. He can wear whatever he wants.”

“Plus,” the dad added, “with little kids most things are a phase.”

“But if it’s not a phase, we’re fine with that too,” said the mom.

“I KNOW,” said the dad, “I’m just SAYING.”

“I KNOW, but it’s important to CLARIFY!” said the mom. And they began snapping at each other again and yelling at the kids to stop running around like clowns, and I smiled as we walked away.

That, right there. Amidst the chaos, amidst the stress, the exhaustion, the frustration – that was love. That was acceptance. That was HOPE.

I haven’t watched Law and Order SVU in years, but the other night when my husband was out and the little one was sleeping, and I miraculously had nothing else to do, I put on some newer episodes I hadn’t seen.

In college, this show was everything to me. Having not spoken about all that I had gone through yet (except for one person briefly, and only about one of the incidents), Olivia Benson was my savior. And this is not uncommon; look at Twitter and you will see hundreds of survivors posting about Olivia. Her character was designed so perfectly. So compassionate and loving, and not only does she hold your hand, but she catches the bad guys and locks them up.

So when I was watching and I saw her look into a survivor’s eyes, grab her hand, and say, “Honey, this was NOT your fault,” I was transported back to those moments in college where I listened to her say those words every single episode and a tiny bit of me healed. And that was just from a t.v. character!

And I remembered how powerful those moments are. A friend of mine once said, “There’s something special about a hard time,” and how true it is. Trauma (of any kind) is horrific, but the moment of sitting with someone, when they look into your eyes and hold space when you tell your story? It’s one of the most beautiful and powerful experiences in the world. For BOTH people.

I replay some of those moments that I’ve experienced over and over again, and I hold them near and dear to my heart.

(And it’s not just trauma. It’s any real talk. Grief and love and fear and secrets and stories, of any kind.)

I guess what I am thinking about tonight, like I think about so often, is all the people who have not experienced those moments that I have. Keeping secrets ruins you. And even if you’ve told your secret before, but you haven’t had that special moment sitting across from a friend in a coffee shop, or next to them on the couch late at night, or walking with them in the woods, breathing in the fresh air, talking about whatever it is you’re holding inside of you – you need it.

Find a person. Find me, if you want. Talk. Tell your thoughts and your secrets and your stories, whatever they are.

Trust me.

Month

Just one little thing

Those special moments